Caring enough to confront someone you love....and loving them enough to forgive.


I love you.
If I Love you I must tell you the Truth.
I want your love.
I want your truth.
Love me enough to tell me the Truth.

Positive word: Caring , Negative word: Confronting.....Caring enough to confront someone you love....and loving them enough to forgive.
Together they provide the balance of love and power which lead to effective human relationships. The more common practice is to keep these distinct and separate.
There is a time for caring...There is a time for confronting.....Each in its owns time.
Care when caring is called for, confront when confrontation is required. Care fronting is the way to communicate with both impact and respect , with truth and love.
Speaking the truth in love is the way to mature right relationships. Care fronting has a unique view of conflict. Conflict is natural, normal , neutral and sometimes even delightful. It can turn into painful or disastrous ends,but it doesn't need to. Conflict is neither good nor bad, right nor wrong. Conflict simply is. How we view, approach and work through out differences does - to a large extent-determine our whole life pattern.
I could view conflict as Given, Crushing and as an Inevitable Issue (mutual difference)to resolved by meeting each other half way. I'll come part way. Let's cooperate,compromise or put our heads together in some joint way. Then my life pattern will be a mediating, meet-me-in-the-middle style of one for-me and one-for-you cooperation (Corny but, it works).

To care is to welcome, invite and support growth in another and to be concerned or solicitous; have thought or regard.
To confront effectively is to offer the maximum of useful information with minimum of threat and stress.
When people hear the word conflict, they often picture something very negative, such as fighting, arguing, bitterness, and anger. However, current research suggests that conflict by nature isn't negative at all. It is fundamentally the experience of difference between married couples.

For example, magnets work according to opposite forces. One side is positive, the other negative. In this instance, the terms "positive" and "negative" are not synonymous with "good" and "bad." They merely identify two different - but complementary - forces. In the same way, couples benefit when they learn to understand conflict as fundamentally difference. Just because couples experience conflict doesn't mean they don't love each other. Dealing with differences in opinions, goals, interests, desires, and so on, is a normal part of any marriage relationship. What matters is how couples handle these differences. In a successful relationship, couples work together to deal with their differences rather than walking away and seeking "greener pastures."

Check for Destructive Interaction Patterns. According to marriage and family professionals, there are many interaction patterns that can harm a marriage and make dealing with differences and disagreements very difficult. Look over the following list and ask yourself how often they occur when you are having a disagreement. Make your evaluation alone, and then share your notes with your spouse. Resolve together to eliminate that pattern from your relationship.

Harsh Start-ups (Frequently getting started on the wrong foot)

Criticism (Complaints with the intent to attack another person's character)

Contempt (Criticism conveying disgust)

Invalidation (Being made to feel - or making another feel - devalued, not cared about, or put down)

Defensiveness (Counterattacking a partner's character, reflecting blame)

Escalation (Battling each other in a vicious cycle that spirals out of control)

Stonewalling (Withdrawing or "pulling out" with no intent to return, disengaging)

Flooding (Being overwhelmed by criticism, contempt, etc.)

Negative Interpretations (Viewing motives of a partner as "out to get you" or harmful)

The Body's Language (Overwhelming physical responses to "stress-full" interaction such as increased heart rate, tremors, anxiety, etc.)

Failed Repair Attempts (Missed attempts to put the brakes on or "head-off" harmful communication)

Bad Memories (Looking back on the relationship and seeing the "good gone bad" or good simply gone)

Move On To Solving the Problem, If Necessary. Experts say that about seventy percent of couple issues don't need to be solved, just well discussed. You may find that simply airing a concern is all you need to do. But if your problem needs solving, here is an approach to follow:

Set the agenda. Identify the problem or portion of the problem that needs to be solved

Brainstorm. Think of as many strategies as you can (say, ten) for solving the problem. Write them down so you can review them together.

Discuss and evaluate. Look over the strategies and discuss the pros and cons of each one.

Choose a strategy. Select one of the strategies to try out, one you both feel good about.

Agreement. Agree on what each of you will do to help carry out the solution.

Follow-up. Set a time to follow up on how things are going.

During this time, define together what the problem is, your own part in the problem, and how earlier attempts at dealing with it have proved unsuccessful. Use "I-statements" to express concerns ("I was upset when you forgot our date last week") and make two or three statements before the listener paraphrases what they heard. When listening, focus on the speaker's message and paraphrase what you heard the speaker saying, without rebuttal ("It upset you that I spaced out our date"). Make sure you are both satisfied that you have been heard and understood.

Partners can realize, as stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, that "marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God" (¶ 1) and that successful and happy marriages "are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities" (¶ 7). Such principles, coupled with an understanding of what conflict is, how to recognize it, and how best to manage it, can help spouses use marriage challenges to build rather than harm their relationship.

“The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.” -Frank Pittman
Thank you for reading,
Whyte23

Comments

  1. O.K. Marcus, here goes, (lol) I think every thing you said is good and true, and I think communication is key to any relationship and marriage, but I do have one question for you, in the statement by Frank Pittman ..."marriage must be total, it must be permanent,"... Do you think that there or no deal breaker moments in a marriage? I mean something that you just can't deal with if it's done.
    I ask this because I use to say when I get married it would be forever, but over the years, I have been in relationships and when certain things were done I could not go on in that relationship, thank God we were not married, but I would like to know what if I was married, is there never no way out? According to God's point of view?

    Love you, and thank you!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good Day Vivian..thank you for reading. Yes, there are deal breakers and ways out if two people in the relationship and or marriage is not willing to address the issues that he/she has that would cause for the relationship to be unhealthy. Then, in the relationship will we have to agree to disagree that this is not going to work for me. BUT, in the marriage is a little different by my standards as coming together as husband and wife the two has to work and agree to what, why ,how ? of the matter to see that we have to work on the difference together. So, it not so easy to walk away without truly getting to the root of the matter/issue/problems the cause and effect. Yes, It's going to take more work for the two in the marriage deal with instead of one or neither willing to do so. The last part of Frank Pittman statement is important " IT MUST BE EQUAL
    (which means having the same quantity, measure, or value as another)".
    “The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.” -Frank Pittman
    Bible God's point of view...are we unequally yoke (to join, couple, link, or unite) by GOD or by our own flesh and action to handle and address issues under our own power. God isn't just concerned with our outward behavior, but with the thoughts and attitudes of our heart.
    But when you say, "I DO" you may be struggling while working through some issues and learning about one another. You made a covenant, which means you're committed, even when things aren't going the way you want them to.

    Humble yourself before God and He will give you wisdom, adjust your attitude, and strengthen you. Trust in His awesome power and He can most certainly turn things around.
    Jesus says that anyone who divorces his wife for anything except being unfaithful commits adultery. This contrasted the typical custom of divorcing a woman over pettier circumstances.

    Matthew 19:8-9 (KJV)

    He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.

    And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

    Jesus' challenge to us is to follow him and learn from him. The Christian life is a process of learning, growing, and maturing in the faith--while our salvation is guaranteed the moment we trust in Jesus, we are called to continue to grow in faith through the rest of our lives as husband and wife.

    As for my wife and I we agreed that "D" word DIVORCE is not a option in our marriage. We are committed to work ON or work OUT any an or everything that not healthy in our relationship/individually/and mainly our marriage.

    Much Love,
    Marcus Whyte23

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Is there a difference between a Farmer and a Gardener?

He's Not Heavy, He's My Brother!

He's Not Heavy, He's My Brother!