Caring enough to confront someone you love....and loving them enough to forgive.
I love you.
If I Love you I must tell you the Truth.
I want your love.
I want your truth.
Love me enough to tell me the Truth.
Positive word: Caring , Negative word: Confronting.....Caring enough to confront someone you love....and loving them enough to forgive.
Together they provide the balance of love and power which lead to effective human relationships. The more common practice is to keep these distinct and separate.
There is a time for caring...There is a time for confronting.....Each in its owns time.
Care when caring is called for, confront when confrontation is required. Care fronting is the way to communicate with both impact and respect , with truth and love.
Speaking the truth in love is the way to mature right relationships. Care fronting has a unique view of conflict. Conflict is natural, normal , neutral and sometimes even delightful. It can turn into painful or disastrous ends,but it doesn't need to. Conflict is neither good nor bad, right nor wrong. Conflict simply is. How we view, approach and work through out differences does - to a large extent-determine our whole life pattern.
I could view conflict as Given, Crushing and as an Inevitable Issue (mutual difference)to resolved by meeting each other half way. I'll come part way. Let's cooperate,compromise or put our heads together in some joint way. Then my life pattern will be a mediating, meet-me-in-the-middle style of one for-me and one-for-you cooperation (Corny but, it works).
To care is to welcome, invite and support growth in another and to be concerned or solicitous; have thought or regard.
To confront effectively is to offer the maximum of useful information with minimum of threat and stress.
When people hear the word conflict, they often picture something very negative, such as fighting, arguing, bitterness, and anger. However, current research suggests that conflict by nature isn't negative at all. It is fundamentally the experience of difference between married couples.
For example, magnets work according to opposite forces. One side is positive, the other negative. In this instance, the terms "positive" and "negative" are not synonymous with "good" and "bad." They merely identify two different - but complementary - forces. In the same way, couples benefit when they learn to understand conflict as fundamentally difference. Just because couples experience conflict doesn't mean they don't love each other. Dealing with differences in opinions, goals, interests, desires, and so on, is a normal part of any marriage relationship. What matters is how couples handle these differences. In a successful relationship, couples work together to deal with their differences rather than walking away and seeking "greener pastures."
Check for Destructive Interaction Patterns. According to marriage and family professionals, there are many interaction patterns that can harm a marriage and make dealing with differences and disagreements very difficult. Look over the following list and ask yourself how often they occur when you are having a disagreement. Make your evaluation alone, and then share your notes with your spouse. Resolve together to eliminate that pattern from your relationship.
Harsh Start-ups (Frequently getting started on the wrong foot)
Criticism (Complaints with the intent to attack another person's character)
Contempt (Criticism conveying disgust)
Invalidation (Being made to feel - or making another feel - devalued, not cared about, or put down)
Defensiveness (Counterattacking a partner's character, reflecting blame)
Escalation (Battling each other in a vicious cycle that spirals out of control)
Stonewalling (Withdrawing or "pulling out" with no intent to return, disengaging)
Flooding (Being overwhelmed by criticism, contempt, etc.)
Negative Interpretations (Viewing motives of a partner as "out to get you" or harmful)
The Body's Language (Overwhelming physical responses to "stress-full" interaction such as increased heart rate, tremors, anxiety, etc.)
Failed Repair Attempts (Missed attempts to put the brakes on or "head-off" harmful communication)
Bad Memories (Looking back on the relationship and seeing the "good gone bad" or good simply gone)
Move On To Solving the Problem, If Necessary. Experts say that about seventy percent of couple issues don't need to be solved, just well discussed. You may find that simply airing a concern is all you need to do. But if your problem needs solving, here is an approach to follow:
Set the agenda. Identify the problem or portion of the problem that needs to be solved
Brainstorm. Think of as many strategies as you can (say, ten) for solving the problem. Write them down so you can review them together.
Discuss and evaluate. Look over the strategies and discuss the pros and cons of each one.
Choose a strategy. Select one of the strategies to try out, one you both feel good about.
Agreement. Agree on what each of you will do to help carry out the solution.
Follow-up. Set a time to follow up on how things are going.
During this time, define together what the problem is, your own part in the problem, and how earlier attempts at dealing with it have proved unsuccessful. Use "I-statements" to express concerns ("I was upset when you forgot our date last week") and make two or three statements before the listener paraphrases what they heard. When listening, focus on the speaker's message and paraphrase what you heard the speaker saying, without rebuttal ("It upset you that I spaced out our date"). Make sure you are both satisfied that you have been heard and understood.
Partners can realize, as stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, that "marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God" (¶ 1) and that successful and happy marriages "are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities" (¶ 7). Such principles, coupled with an understanding of what conflict is, how to recognize it, and how best to manage it, can help spouses use marriage challenges to build rather than harm their relationship.
“The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.” -Frank Pittman
Thank you for reading,