The Weight of Your Words...

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When defining words or assigning them value, the word “FINE” would fall somewhere in the middle of bad and great, right in the middle or its valued weight would be average. Just average, just ok, nothing special about defining yourself as fine. We use words like “FINE” for relational comparisons everyday when addressing a state of being. So if I am in a committed relationship and one asks me the question how is it going in your relationship should my reply ever be “FINE”? If my reply is the word “FINE” what does that really mean about the state of my relationship? Let’s look at this for a moment to ensure that we are not just going through the motions.

Let’s start with the middle, this means the point where the majority of people are. Right in the middle, average not failing, but not excelling either, when we pull out our measuring stick we can say that there are a large number that are worse off than we are so we must be doing ok, average, we are fine. We don’t need to do any more or any less we are fine. In most cases we don’t even say that we are good because good will move us to a higher degree of effort and commitment so staying at fine is alright. We are with the masses, moving right along, making do. In our committed relationship we communicate no matter how surface that communication is. Our business is being handled and our kids are not abused, but what value is being added to our lives through our “FINE” relationship? In most cases this “FINE” behavior is not even noticed as an issue because we are just doing what we doing, good, bad or ugly, it is where we are at. But is it healthy is it loving and will it and by it, I mean being in a “FINE” relationship last the test of time.

Here’s the reasoning that brought the word “FINE” to light as a question in my mind. In my last Healthy Marriage training class I encountered a couple that had been married for more than twenty years. They appeared to have everything going for them but for some reason they had decided that they would come out on a Friday evening, not just one Friday but four Fridays in a role to learn the meaning of a healthy marriage. The session started as usual with the initial question of why they were there and what the hoped to gain from their attendance. The response to the why they were there question was both a shock and a revelation. They informed me and my queen that their ten year old son had seen the advertisement for the class and that he suggested that they attend. Wow, their belief was that their relationship was “FINE” but in the eyes of their ten year old son who has able to see the reality their relationship it was not “FINE”, there was something that concerned this ten year old, something that caused him to speak to his parents and something that his parents had to acknowledge in their spirit once the request had been made by their son. Out of the mouths of babes, please understand that others, especially our children, can see, know and identify what a good/great relationship looks like they can also identify what fine one looks like as well.

Why is it that we teach our children that they can be the best at any sport, job, or career they desire but we don’t teach them how to be the best partner that they can be within a relationship? Could it be that we really don’t know how? Could our examples pertaining to relationships have been unhealthy? Could it be that since “FINE” and average are considered to be ok and ok marriages/relationship are all we are striving for that we think that this is good? Questions to ponder.

The good news is that by the last class the husband had come to understand that he and his queen could and would work on their relationship. He proudly proclaimed that he wanted to move from “FINE” to good, from good to better then to great. He and his wife have been in honest transparent communication and have started the process to mark out time together. They have made the commitment to have weekly dates, move from surface talk to intimate communication. They have rededicated their love for each other and he even surprised her with a poem which described her as a fire element. She advised us that she had no idea that this type of engagement was within him, she was not only moved it honored and excited her. From desiring to move from “FINE” passion was reignited.

So, to all of us who don’t understand that the power of life and death is in the tongue, it really is. If we were to ask you about the state of your relationship "FINE" may not be the word that you want to say to us. If your relationship is not where you want it to be work on it, try changing your mindset about your feelings towards your relationship by speaking life changing words that describes where we desire it to be. So for me FINE = AVERAGE and AVERAGE is not me.

As always, thanks for reading!
~ Marcus Whyte23

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